My Husband is a Shameless Flirt Who Humiliates Me in Public

Let me start by saying, I’ve yet to meet a man who could tolerate being ignored or brushed aside while his partner flirted with, complimented, or ogled another man--in public or in private.  The truth is, even dogs raise a stink if you give more attention to someone else than you do to them.

So what’s going on?  Why does he feel this behavior is all right?  It would be one thing if he were oblivious about his behavior, or unaware of your feelings, or a narcissist.  Then I’d understand.  But he’s not unaware, or oblivious (since you’ve told him how terrible this makes you feel, and he continues to do it).  And hopefully, he’s not a narcissist.

The question is, why does he continue then?  Why would someone—the one person in the world you would expect to treasure you and be your hero—deliberately (however passive-aggressively) want to hurt you? 

My guess is that he’s getting back at you for things he wants from you that he hasn’t been getting—either because he’s not good at asking, or because you’re not good at responding—or because of a combination of the two.  I’m not saying that anything excuses your husband’s offensive behavior.  Nobody deserves to be overlooked or humiliated in public by their spouse. 

But what I am saying, as a marriage counselor, is that getting curious about what’s motivating his behavior, rather than getting angry or self-righteous about it, may shed more light on what’s really going on than arguing about it.  Obnoxious behavior is a symptom; it’s not the cause of a couple’s problems.

For example, from time to time, we all have complaints about our spouse’s parenting or housekeeping habits.  It’s also not uncommon for me to hear one spouse complaint about the other spouse ignoring, flirting, or disrespecting them in some way.  What I always want to know is: What does each of you do when you don’t like how your partner is acting?  Are you presenting your hurts, anger, fears, and sadness in direct and respectful ways?  Or are you acting them out in reflexive and childish ways that you’d be embarrassed to watch or listen to if they were being recorded?

Brain researchers now know that when couples are triggered by something they perceive as dangerous or threatening, the part of their brain that reacts is the reptilian part of the brain.  The part that knows only how to fight, flee, or freeze.  It doesn’t know how to take a step back to consider what’s being said and think clearly about what might be the best way to respond.  This is why I developed the STOP Strategy and OuchKit (both of which you can use for free at my website).

What you want to be able to do is stop your reptilian brain from acting out of habit to cues from your husband that set you off.  Once you learn to do this, you’ll have a better chance of expressing how you’re feeling without triggering a reptilian response in your husband. 

My suggestion for you would be to play with the Ouch cards (either the free E-cards or the hard copy cards) until you get in the habit of slowing down long enough to say what you want to say in a way that your husband might be able to hear.  Writing is a good way to do this, since the reptilian brain is pre-verbal and can’t read or write.  Taking a walk before talking is another way. 

The other suggestion I have is to predict and prevent more harm by talking with your husband BEFORE you go anywhere you think he might be tempted to flirt or act inappropriately.  Let him know how you want the dinner, wedding party, outing to turn out.  That you want to feel great being together.  Then make a request for how you’d like him to treat you.  That way, it will be in the front of his mind and he’ll be less likely to slip up.  I’d also ask him what he’d like from you.  Focus on the Us-ness of going out, the mutual desire to enjoy each other more, rather than worrying about what could happen, and then waiting to BE RIGHT about it.  Being right is a drag.  Being loved and loving?  Much better goal and experience.