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Health & Fitness

Marriage Counselor Says 'Stop Trying to Change Your Partner'

If you want to see change in your relationship, shift your focus away from complaining about your partner's behavior and change yourself. You'll be amazed at the changes you'll see!

How many times have you tried to lose weight, stop eating chocolate or set firm limits with your kids?  Isn't it crazy to think we can change our partners' behavior when we can't even change our own? 

To be successful in your relationships, you don't need to change your partner.  You need to change yourself. This doesn't mean putting up with put-downs, procrastination, infidelity, abuse or broken promises. It means doing something different when your partner disappoints or harms you. 

For example, my dad is a guy who for 90 years has driven everyone around him crazy by showing up late to everything. When I was a kid, he would come home late for dinner every night--in spite of the fact that my mom complained bitterly about it. 

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Every night, she would rant and rave, and every night my dad would promise to do better. But nothing changed. They had an agreement. My mom would make dinner. It would get cold. My dad would come home late with some excuse. She would go nuts. We would eat cold food in chilling silence.

Ten years later--after my mom died--my dad remarried. Marcia, who apparently wasn't hip to my parents' agreement, got my dad to change overnight. But how?  Certainly not by trying to change him. Instead, she changed her response to him.  The first time he came home late, she was concerned. The second time, she was angry. Nothing new there. 

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But the third time he showed up late happened to be a night when the two of them had tickets to a concert. When he didn't show up in time for dinner, Maricia--who plans ahead because she gets anxious easily--ate without him. When he still wasn't there in time for her to get to the concert without rushing, she went by herself. 

When my dad got home he was shocked. No one was there to holler at him and there was no dinner waiting for him. In fact, Marcia's car was missing. I remember that he was frightened. This had never happened before. Eventually, he called Marcia on her cell phone. She told him she was at the concert and would see him when she got home. When he tried to express his disappointment, she said, "The concert is starting. Good-bye."

According to Marcia, that was the last time my dad ever came home late for dinner, or for anything else.  

By refusing to make herself sick or miss out on things she was determined to enjoy, Marica interrupted the pattern and changed the agreement. Instead of ranting and raving and trying to convince my dad to change, she simply went about her business. And in the process, he changed...fast and forever.

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